I was so close to sending a friend a message regarding my Facebook profile, am one of those without a picture.

Have a love/hate relationship with Facebook. My friend is a professional photographer as a second career. He asked me years ago as a final class project to photograph me.

There was a theme; dark hair, dark shirt, dark background in black and white. While sitting for these photos, I had an appreciation for models. Hot lights, smile, don’t smile, turn  your head this way, etc. It took about 2 hours.

I was asked if I could sit with a classmate whose model did not show up. I said  yes.

This was in 1995, I was 33 at the time.

When I received the photos I was happy. A few were done in color, but I love black and white pictures. Some family members picked their favorite.

When I decided to join Facebook years ago I was on the fence. I was unemployed, my entire focus was a job.

I did not understand the likes, did not know how to post and had help scanning photos for my Aunt for a special birthday.

Tried to forward pictures from a special family event. Was shut down. Was deleted by a few family members during issues.

Saw the second post that that trashed me, this 1 from 2010, another from 2012.

Love to see what’s happening from family and friends all over the country. What’s up with the hate? People put their 1 sided stuff out. Cowardly to make a random post.

Two thoughts:

If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything


If you don’t have anything nice to say, come sit by me.








Random Thoughts While Cooking

It takes 45 minutes in grueling traffic to get home. Most nights, the decompression of the day and ride is to cook. From Tuesday through Saturday nights I am not cooking a sit down dinner.

There are 3 items to cook in the fridge.  Tonight it’s Turkey Chili. Will wait for the reviews tomorrow. I used chick peas just because I wanted to experiment. I was kind of hungry, chili is fast.

While cooking, unloading the dishwasher and listening to music, my thoughts wander. The kitchen is my favorite room and always has been. Every time I open a can I think of Aunt Joie, she always wiped off the top of the can, since you never knew who touched it and NEVER, NEVER use a dented can for fear of botulism!

Tomorrow and the next day there are two funerals to attend. A first with back-to-back deaths last Tuesday and Wednesday. Having lost a parent last year is still difficult, harder because we were so close and spoke at least once a week or more.

A relative commented that I was “unhappy” during some family events. One does not know how they will feel on ANY day. Went through all of those firsts, the seconds have not been easier so far.

As the chili simmers,  meatballs are ready for tomorrow. There is an after-work medical appointment, won’t be home until close to 7. The chicken will be cooked later in the week.

I wonder how long the Grief Patrol thinks enough is enough?

We all have periods of sadness and or sorrow. For years, I was fortunate. Not everyone is lucky enough to live a long life. In my lifetime, have experienced the demise of ages from infants to relatives in their 90’s.

Tomorrow, a funeral for a 59 year old friend free from ALS. Thursday, a 93 year old aunt free from dementia.

I hope all of those no longer with us are happy and there a few more Angels looking out for us.




Who are you? I used to know who you were. When we started out I was strong, I had no choice. I always knew what I wanted. I just wanted a simple life.

It’s hard when your life goes backwards. Growing up in confusion, chaos and uncertainty, did not question any choices.

My motto is, I go were the wind blows me. I spoke up for myself whenever necessary.

There is a problem when I speak up. Did all the things you wanted and needed, did you ask me if I needed something? For all the things for some of you.

I lost sleep, worried about my family. Funny thing is, don’t think anyone lost sleep worrying about me.



Road Warrior

What are the ways you keep sane during your daily commute?

I live in New Jersey, the most densely populated state per square mile in the country. I drive in South Jersey. I have been commuting for over 2 years and I travel to 3 offices. I commuted for 6 years from 1990-1996.

When I started my current job it was part-time, I was offered full time 6 months later. Full time meant more driving time with the maniacs. I continually say, it’s all about the benjamins. I allow enough time to get to my office, I listen to my radio station, am in my zone.

I am happy to arrive to my destinations every time, work and home. The difference between the 90’s and now is vast…first discovered “road rage” during those 6 years.

I am now 55, and have been rear-ended 3 times over a 10 year period. I am so afraid of getting hurt again and I need my car for my job.

There are too many texting while driving; company vehicles, people with children in the front seat. It’s bad enough to talk and drive, most people are looking ahead at least.

When I get home is the best, put on the music and cook, depending on the season, is what’s for dinner. Having 4 seasons in this area is great. A farm stand with locally grown fruits and veggies in the summer; cold meals, chicken salad, potato salad, pasta salad, etc. Fall and winter;  soups, roasted chicken, chili, tacos, broiled fish, I grill indoors with a grill pan all year round.

The chopping/slicing/dicing/sauteing relieves the stress of the driving. I am no longer thinking about the idiots. Not until the next morning.

I make my fun with commuting, whenever possible, am the beast who will not let you cut me off in the merging lane. You are all invisible. The gestures are the most fun for me!

Last week, I was doing the speed limit, so I thought, and a girl behind me was beeping at me. She was so close I could describe her for a police sketch. She had 2 blond braided pig tails and she was shaking her hands above her head because I was going too slow. Her hand were off the steering wheel! When I was at a red light, I mimicked her gesture. And I said out loud, Oh My God, I am making her crazy!!! Hope she saw me imitating her!!!

It was funny to me and sometimes that’s all I have, I am more amused than raged on a daily basis.

This is not about the bad stuff that we do to each other, this is the lighter side.

A New Father’s Day

This is the first Father’s Day without my Dad. He passed away last October. A close friend of nearly 40 years also lost his Dad 2 months later in December. I am lucky to still have my father-in-law who is 86.

When I was feeling sad Christmas day, missing my father, my father-in-law told me he was my Dad too. Lucky me to have a father and mother-in law who have cared so much for me.

I was feeling Fatherless initially, but I went to church this morning, I am a sketchy Catholic, the last time I went was Easter. When I do go to church, I rush around, getting there when it’s just starting.

This morning, I took time, made more of an effort. I am a working girl, on the weekends I give myself time off, no make-up, just powder and lipstick, unless we have something to do.

In church, the priest said the mass was dedicated to all the fathers, living and deceased. Two of the most important men in my life are in heaven, my  beloved men, my Father and Grandfather.

Made myself presentable for my Dad, grandfather and my husband. Father to my beautiful sons. We have 2 sons, 29 and 22.

This post is dedicated to all the dads, grandfathers, great-grandfathers, step-fathers, uncles, brothers and friends, to all of you who stepped up and treated a child with love and care.

I realized I am not fatherless, I feel my father all around me, and my grandfather. I think they would want me to try to be my best self. I know I fail, I will continue to try to make them proud.

Any insight would be welcomed. Just going where the wind blows me.